Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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