so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
