If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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