I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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