Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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