he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
