I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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