Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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