Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
