somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
