No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
