Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just found puke in my bra..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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