I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
