My first STD was from a foam party
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
