Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
3pm strippers are depressing
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
