last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
