People in love make me want to vomit
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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