how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
