shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
