Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
