thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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