My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
