I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
