I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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