She is in my trunk
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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