Kiss
Puke
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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