I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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