im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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