I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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