Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
