Just fell off a train. Bad.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
