Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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