i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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