John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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