We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
