Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
