I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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