one word: firstdatebathroomanal
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Vodka?
Forever.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
