I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
