I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
