So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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