I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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