haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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