Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
