Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
