I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
