She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
