had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
