Michael Bay diarrhea
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
