He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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