Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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